Getting Unstuck

I often find clients getting stuck in patterns with partners or on their own. Soemtimes it is shame that holds us back, rather than any thing specific.

Shame to try something new. Shame to admit what is really going on. Shame about admitting when we have made a mistake.

Succumbing to shame is succumbing to a fear that someone will see us, know us, know what we did. In the end, though, most of the time, our shame about who we are or what we have done is much bigger than anything someone else would put on us.

How do we know? By having the courage to share those fears and shame with someone whom we trust.

That is what often happens in therapy--people name and share a shame or event or feeling, and this allows a door to open; a slight crack in our universe through which we casn put, first a toe, than a hand, and then, at some point, we can walk through.

Why Are We Arguing

Ever notice you are having the same argument again and again? That you bring up the same things? Like you are on a carousel, and though you both want to get off you can't?

Sometimes, we end up in a position, which we think is the only solution to a problem. To give up the solution, we think, might mean our needs are not met, and our fears are not addressed.

Try to figure out what the goal is--what is the question you are trying to answer.

Then ask yourself, and listen to your partner--what are your needs? What are your fears? What will help you to feel included, safe, listened to?

THEN and only then, come up with lots of solutions. Brainstorm. Maybe one of the ideas will be a solution which meets the needs, fears, desires, of you both.