On guilt and grief

There are times when guilt and grief become difficult to pass through because they serve some needs. They tell people and ourselves that we do care, they defend us against what we feel might be criticisms on how we are handling things.

Often the fear of what someone else will think is more about how we feel at some level-- a criticism about ourselves, a way of punishing ourselves.

Everyone does grief in their own way and time. We have different strengths, different histories, and different skills. Only you know what is right for you.

Changing Your Relationship

I was speaking to a client the other day who was telling me how difficult it was dealing with some of their spouse's behaviour. My client knows the spouse has a problem and is trying and trying to help, but to no avail, and the spouse doesn't change.

I suggested that my client change their response to the spouse. If my client cannot help, or the spouse is not willing/able to accept help (for some depression) then the only thing that can change is my client's response.

The point is, sometimes, many times, we focus on someone else's behaviour and get frustrated when they will not change. Whereas a behaviour can be or become about something between you, a solution can be to just change your behaviour and outlook, because that is something you do have control over.

When Someone Talks Suicide

If you are worried that someone is suicidal--ask them. It will not encourage them to do so if they are not. If they say they have a plan and a concrete way to carry it out, that is a signal that it is more serious. If they say they think they would do it, that is another signal. If they have recently suffered a great loss, if they are feeling hopeless about things, those are other indications. You can call someone's physician, call the family. You can listen. Just listen, and let them know they are not alone. If you think it is imminent, and irreversible, you can call the police. You can also ask them to call the crisis line. You can ask them to promise you not to do it. Just don't shy away from it because you are afraid to ask.