Counsellor Coach Blog

Anxiety

noreply@blogger.com (Diamond Geriatrics) — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 03:23:00 +0000

One way to think about anxiety is that it is a warning of danger. You can see it as a helpful occurrence, and not as something out of control and scary.

Anxeity is also a response to a stimulus that has generalized. ORiginally there may have been a danger of some kind, perhaps physical, perhaps psychological. But the original danger gets lost and the fear response is activated at other times which sometimes are so far from the original source, that one doesn't remember what it was.

Ask youself, what is this a warning about? Be as specific as you can. Ask yourself who, what where, when it came from. Then examine if the current situation or thought necessitates this fear reaction--is this something I have to be afraid of?

Remind yourself that you may have skills now that you didn't have, that you are older, wiser, not a child anymore, and this is something you can handle. Perhaps remind yourself that the person or situation that is at hand, is different from what the fear is telling you about. These people are not your parents, you can say no, you have options, you can walk away.

Foster Homes and Abuse

noreply@blogger.com (Diamond Geriatrics) — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 04:38:00 +0000

I was talking to a friend of mine who works in the Ministry that looks after children and familis in BC. We were talking about foster homes where the care is substandard. He was telling me that it is not easy to close down a foster home because of the Foster Parents Association. My first reaction was one of anger--I thought, whose side are those people on? They should be on the side of the children. If there is a problematic foster home, with documented evidence, there is no question it should be shut down.

Yes, I know there are loads of wonderful people who are great foster parents. And I know kids will not always tell the truth. But when there are consistent problems, and ongoing complaints, we should not have to wait five and ten years to help.

The problem is there are not enough foster homes, my friend said. Somehow, we have to work harder. That is not a good excuse to put children in harm's way.

Fear and Pressure

noreply@blogger.com (Diamond Geriatrics) — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 01:31:00 +0000

Somebody told me the other day that he was feeling a lot of pressure to do something. When we talked about it, we looked at what it meant--what does pressure really mean, and where does it come from?

Sometimes the pressure we feel comes from within ourselves. Sometimes pressure is about fear-- we are afraid of not doing something, afraid of saying no, afraid of standing up for ourselves. What are we afraid of? Often, it is of losing something, or someone. A close relationship. Money. A job.

Often, when we look at it, we find that the consequences are not as fearful as we thought, we had just never thought it through.

Rules and Tools of Relationships

noreply@blogger.com (Diamond Geriatrics) — Wed, 29 Jul 2009 22:36:00 +0000

Every relationship develops rules-unwritten patterns of behaviour which then become our scripts. Some are functional, some are not. They include things like how we respond, how we interpret what the other is saying, the tradeoffs we make.

These rules also become tools--the things we use to keep our relationships going.

When some of the rules become dysfunctional, we need to identify them, and the tools(actions) we use to keep them going.

Then we need to develop not only new rules--but new tools. The new tools will be ways to change the patterns.

You may have to experiment to find new tools, and you will have to work at finding new rules. How do you find them? By actually trying new things, new behaviours. Write down what you will do.

Remember that in the beginning it will not be easy necessarily, it will take some practice and perseverance. You are changing not only your behaviour, but also trying to influence the rules, which means your partner too. You are not changing your partner, you are working together to change the rules.

But someone has to start, and it takes a commitment, and some trust.

On choosing a counsellor

noreply@blogger.com (Diamond Geriatrics) — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 04:39:00 +0000

Once again today I was reminded about how important it is to have a counsellor you trust. My clients make great strides sometimes, because they are able to trust me, that I will be there for them, and with them, as they go on their respective journeys, which are often difficult, and sometimes frightening. Facing old fears, or new ones, or traumas is sometimes the core of counselling--you need to do it with someone you trust.

On guilt and grief

noreply@blogger.com (Diamond Geriatrics) — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 16:10:00 +0000

There are times when guilt and grief become difficult to pass through because they serve some needs. They tell people and ourselves that we do care, they defend us against what we feel might be criticisms on how we are handling things.

Often the fear of what someone else will think is more about how we feel at some level-- a criticism about ourselves, a way of punishing ourselves.

Everyone does grief in their own way and time. We have different strengths, different histories, and different skills. Only you know what is right for you.

Changing Your Relationship

noreply@blogger.com (Diamond Geriatrics) — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 16:50:00 +0000

I was speaking to a client the other day who was telling me how difficult it was dealing with some of their spouse's behaviour. My client knows the spouse has a problem and is trying and trying to help, but to no avail, and the spouse doesn't change.

I suggested that my client change their response to the spouse. If my client cannot help, or the spouse is not willing/able to accept help (for some depression) then the only thing that can change is my client's response.

The point is, sometimes, many times, we focus on someone else's behaviour and get frustrated when they will not change. Whereas a behaviour can be or become about something between you, a solution can be to just change your behaviour and outlook, because that is something you do have control over.

When Someone Talks Suicide

noreply@blogger.com (Diamond Geriatrics) — Sun, 08 Mar 2009 00:52:00 +0000

If you are worried that someone is suicidal--ask them. It will not encourage them to do so if they are not. If they say they have a plan and a concrete way to carry it out, that is a signal that it is more serious. If they say they think they would do it, that is another signal. If they have recently suffered a great loss, if they are feeling hopeless about things, those are other indications. You can call someone's physician, call the family. You can listen. Just listen, and let them know they are not alone. If you think it is imminent, and irreversible, you can call the police. You can also ask them to call the crisis line. You can ask them to promise you not to do it. Just don't shy away from it because you are afraid to ask.

Last Words

noreply@blogger.com (Diamond Geriatrics) — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 17:50:00 +0000

Aclient of mine had a horrendous experience, in which someone died. One of the things she said to me is, "be careful of what you say to someone, you never know if those will be the last words you ever say to them." Words once said, can never be taken back.

If you have problems with anger, if you find yourself sending off emails too fast; hold off an hour or a day or a week. If you still want to send it, say it, or do it....you will be a better judge of what to do with distance.

Making Relationships Better

noreply@blogger.com (Diamond Geriatrics) — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 02:29:00 +0000

I had a client tell me he had been able to pay attention to his reactions when his partner got upset. His normal pattern was to withdraw, he noticed. " I would just shut down, and that made her even angrier." He decided to try something different--to stay present with her. The result was a remarkable improvement in their ability to communicate. It was hard for him to do--it was hard to break his part of the pattern, and to face his anxiety about someone being upset with him, but the result was not only effective in his relationship, but for him as an individual. "I don't feel so helpless now, I know there is something I can do to make things better."

Sometimes relationships fail when the pattern begins to feel so entrenched that people feel helpless. When they have tools, they feel like they have mastery and some control in theire lives and relationships. They feel better about the relationship, but they feel better about themselves, too. And when you feel better about yourself, you have more energy. For your relationship

Avoidance and Procrastination

noreply@blogger.com (Diamond Geriatrics) — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 02:40:00 +0000

Procrastination can take many forms, one of them just plain avoidance. Do you find yourself avoiding people or situations, such as conflict or emotionally charged meetings?

The result of avoidance can be a buildup of stress and tension. As one client put it, "like keeping a bunch of juggling balls up in the air." The more you avoid, the more you are juggling, and the more stressed and worried and weighted down you become.

Ask yourself what it is you are afraid of? Avoidance is usually the result of fear of something. When you have identified it, ask yourself why you are avoiding it? What is the worst that can happen?

Think about what it will be like for you after you have confronted the thing. Yes, it might be more difficult, but it will also be a form of relief.

You might want to plan for the results if they are truly threatening, such as a job loss, marriage breakup, or phsyical or emotional harm or retaliation.

But often, it is simply fear of a consequence that is not so frightening, once we identify it and are willing to face it.

Gaming Addiction

noreply@blogger.com (Diamond Geriatrics) — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 02:40:00 +0000

I was recently interviewed by Global TV regarding online gaming addiction. My experience tells me that this is a very serious issue, and one that needs a lot more attention from therapists. It can either be individual games played on the internet or downloaded, or uploaded, or it can the be massive multiplayer online games, such as World of Warcraft.

The symptoms of online gaming addiction are the same as any other in some ways:

Trying to rationalize one's usage to oneself or others.
Trying to hide one's usage.
Loss of sleep
Loss of time at work
Decrease in feelings of sexuality.
Avoidance of Social and Family interaction so one can go online.
Telling oneself one will quit, and then not being able to do so.
Spending large amounts of money.
Depersonalization or disassociation where one finds one goes into a kind of fugue state and one loses massive amounts of time from one's life.

If you think you or someone you love has a gaming addiction issue, get them the help they need. You could save their life.

Blocks in Counselling

noreply@blogger.com (Diamond Geriatrics) — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 02:36:00 +0000

Sometimes people run into a block--where for some reason, they do not go any further, sometimes they feel it, sometimes it is unconcious. If you realize that there is some block, there is a reason for that. I find that it is a signal from somewhere in a client's mind or heart that there is something we need to talk about, some fear or some worry that needs attention. It is not something to be "blasted through," but rather something to be respected and worked with.

Some therapists call this resistance. I do not. Resistance is a word that therapists use when they are stuck. To me, this is the client working with me, even if it looks like they are not.

Respect, Apologies, and Successful Relationships

noreply@blogger.com (Diamond Geriatrics) — Sat, 04 Oct 2008 02:59:00 +0000

Two of the things that make the largest differences in successful vs unsuccessful marriages is the degree and amoung of respect and apology/forgiveness that is given between partners.

Having trouble in your relationship? Look at the degree of respect you afford your partner, and the amount, and sincerity of your apologies. Apologizing is just one way of taking responsbility for what you done and how you have acted towards your partner. It is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of strength.

Taking responsibility also is indicative of the amount of trust that exists in a relationship. The less there is, the less vulnerable partners become, and the less they apologize and take responsibility.

But you can use these tools to BUILD strength and trust. It will feel scary and you may be resentful at first, but keep your mind and eye on the goal--and it will bring huge results.

Children's Grief

noreply@blogger.com (Diamond Geriatrics) — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 19:10:00 +0000

Children’s Grief Support Program
presented by
Vancouver Hospice Society and Vancouver Home Hospice Palliative Care Service

Support group for children
who have experienced the death
of a parent or an important adult

Children who have experienced the death of a parent or another important adult
can benefit from a support group of peers. This program will give the children
an opportunity to share and heal through creative activity and peer support.
At the same time, but in a different room, the parents/guardians will meet to share their stories. Each group is facilitated by professional counsellors and trained volunteers.

5 sessions:

Time: Thursday afternoons: 4:30 – 6 pm

Dates: October 23
November 6th and 20th
December 4th and 11th

Location: Vancouver Unitarian Community Building
949 West 49th Avenue (at Oak St.)

For information or to register
Call Camara at 604-218-5434
or email camaravb@telus.net

Sponsored by the Canadian Music Therapy Trust Fund

Financial Meltdown

noreply@blogger.com (Diamond Geriatrics) — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 23:46:00 +0000

It seems to me that a financial meltdown is kind of like emotional meltdowns in some ways; that is, we can let our emotions take over to the extent that we are overwhelmed. It is important somehow to be able to think rationally, and talk to ourselves rationally. We can do this by acknowledging our fears, and noticing our anxiety, and then start looking at what we need to do to go beyond the meltdown. It may be getting advice, it may be through meditation, it may be through talking it out with friends. But react, then think. Don't stop at react

Going to Bed Angry with Your Partner

noreply@blogger.com (Diamond Geriatrics) — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 22:46:00 +0000

Recently heard on the radio a discussion of whether one should or should not allow an argument to go unresolved overnight, thus having partners go to bed angry. Conventional wisdome says no. I say, sometimes. There are times when, after the initial anger settles, we realize it is not a big deal. Also, it gives us time to get to what is really bothering us, so that we don't just hit out. It allows us to get to the place where we can say, " I feel hurt" or "It meant to me that I am not important," etc. instead of saying, "You are an inconsiderate blob." There are times when we are exhausted from the day and it is not a good time. The thing to do, is agree to discuss it at another time, and set a firm time, which both parties will adhere to.

Problems, Warts, Scabs and Scars

noreply@blogger.com (Diamond Geriatrics) — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 05:04:00 +0000

Sometimes problems are like scars, if you just wait, they can fade away.

Sometimes problems are like scabs, they fall away if you let them.

Sometimes problems are like warts--they don't go away and sometimes get bigger unless you deal with them.

Sometimes you might have to avoid to see whether you have a wart or a scar or scab.

But usually, if you look in your heart. you know.

Success in Counselling. And Life

noreply@blogger.com (Diamond Geriatrics) — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 00:17:00 +0000

One of the differrences I see sometimes in people who have successful experiences in counselling and those who don't is whether people stick to it, and keep trying to meet their goals. Some people give up, and some people, for some reason, are able to keep trying. Sometimes it can take a couple tries, and sometimes , it can take many tries, and many breakdowns of goals into smaller steps and working on those goals one at a time.

Be clear about your goals, and what things would look like if they were different and better.

Ask yourself and your therapist if maybe you should look for someone else. Maybe the fit is not the best. But be careful that you do not give up and change as a way of avoiding what you really need to face.

Where Did May Go?

noreply@blogger.com (Diamond Geriatrics) — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 19:49:00 +0000

I can't believe I didn't have anything brilliant to say for the whole month. Must have been all the cloudy days. Funny how weather affects our moods, eh? Sometimes it can be subtle, sometimes hits you in the eye.

It is important when we feel down to really look around and figure out what is going on--sometimes it is very subtle. Something someone said to us a few days ago, sometiems a fleeting thought that runs through our minds, almost so quickly we don't realize it has been there, like an unwelcome visitor that shapes our mood.

Remember, we are not our thoughts, we are not our feelings, we are not our beliefs. We can change those,let them pass like clouds without having to create our selves from them.

Couples Therapy

noreply@blogger.com (Diamond Geriatrics) — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 00:15:00 +0000

Dr. Sue Johson, developer of Emotionally Focussed Therapy, has just published her latest book. " Hod Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love" is a manual for couples in some ways. IT teaches the basics of EFT and helps people to understnad why it works, by giving them access to examples and specifics.

How Not to Become the Person You Want to Be

noreply@blogger.com (Diamond Geriatrics) — Wed, 02 Apr 2008 04:22:00 +0000

I had a client say to me the other day that he wanted to answer some online dating ads, but it didn't seem to him that this was the way to go. "It is not for me," he told me. It made me think that what he was doing was limiting himself by limiting his vision of himself, by creating some kind of boundaries that he didn't want to cross.

Yes he could have. He could have said to himself, this is something I will try. It is like you are are not a skiier, until you decide to ski, you are not a writer until you write. And why not do this, if he wants to meet someone? He could do this, if he could allow himself to go there.

Now, I know there are some weird people on websites, but there are wonderful people, and wonderful stories. Not for everyone, but for many. Like everything else, we don't do things blindly. But we don't blind ourselves from doing things either, hopefully.

We push through limits sometimes, simply by pushing through limits, and finding out that we can be the kind of person he didn't think we were.

When the Past Runs the Future, and Destroys a Marriage

noreply@blogger.com (Diamond Geriatrics) — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 23:04:00 +0000

In an interview with a couple who have been together for many years, the other day he was complaining to her about the way she does things. That set her off and they almost got into a fight. I intervened and started talking with him about what it was about these things she did that bothered him. He just kept saying I don't know, I don't know, until finally, he sat bolt upright and with a startled look, started talking about something traumatic which had happened to him a long time ago, and how he had reacted to it. That reaction was a commitment to himself to live in a certain way, but it had become ultimately, destructive to him, and it was destroying his marriage. As we talked about this event and these times, he realized how it was running him, and that he could let that go. He didn't need it, and he didn't need his wife to be that way either. He could let her be her, and appreciate what she is and how she is.

So sometimes it really is our past which is running our relationships, it is our stuff that we need to take responsibility for and look at. The result is what can save a marriage.

Progress in Counselling

noreply@blogger.com (Diamond Geriatrics) — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 17:05:00 +0000

One way to increase the velocity and possibility of change and progress in counselling is to find situations outside of the counselling office where you can test out new behaviours and have new experiences of yourself and others. Look for ways and places to have new experiences. It might be joining something new, it might be going to somewhere new, it might be doing some things a little bit different.

Set up your goals for these experiences. Make them clear, specific, behavioural, and achievable. Also, make them realistic. We don't try to leap up a stairway in one bound, there are steps along the way to hel. It is the same with goals. Small ones, in which you achieve success can be more motivating to keep on going than trying large ones which seem insurmountable.

Keep a journal of what you have done.Write down what it was like, how it felt, and be as specific as you can about exactly what you did that made it a success, if it was.If it was not successful, analyze exactly what you did, and see if you can it in a different way. Remember too that sometimes changing behaviour takes time. Even the conscious effort to do so is one step. The fact that you tried is your first success.

Getting Unstuck

noreply@blogger.com (Diamond Geriatrics) — Thu, 28 Feb 2008 01:43:00 +0000

I often find clients getting stuck in patterns with partners or on their own. Soemtimes it is shame that holds us back, rather than any thing specific.

Shame to try something new. Shame to admit what is really going on. Shame about admitting when we have made a mistake.

Succumbing to shame is succumbing to a fear that someone will see us, know us, know what we did. In the end, though, most of the time, our shame about who we are or what we have done is much bigger than anything someone else would put on us.

How do we know? By having the courage to share those fears and shame with someone whom we trust.

That is what often happens in therapy--people name and share a shame or event or feeling, and this allows a door to open; a slight crack in our universe through which we casn put, first a toe, than a hand, and then, at some point, we can walk through.